It is hard to avoid anger. It is appropriate to feel a rage build when you see stories of opportunist looters detracting from a vital movement. It is necessary to feel your body tense when you see the media and your peers take advantage of these cases of violence and theft to detract from a cause that needs to be seen and heard. I feel a knot in my stomach when public notices about protests are written in a way that frames the default outcome as disorder and chaos when people are marching for peace. But for me, anger is not a productive feeling and now is the time to take action.
Beneath my anger is a deep disappointment, one that I can feel eating away at me and weighing on me. We all carry biases with us, and we all address them in different ways. Confronting these biases, this evidence of our humanity, will never be comfortable. My disappointment stems not only from what I see around me, but from what I see in myself. I have been dealing with this discomfort through passivity, and I need to own up to that. Two years ago a student of mine, one that is strong enough to stand up for what is right, told me about the racist words he heard from a peer. He told me about how this person dehumanized others, because once you make your target into something lesser it is easy to hurt them. All I could do in the moment was tell him that there are bad people in the world, that there is inevitably ignorance and malice out there that we will encounter. In retrospect I am ashamed that this is all I did. It did not help anyone and I went against things I try to stand for. If I have something to say about someone, I need to have the courage to say it to their face, and I never did. I need to be better.
I wish that things could be as easy as just confronting one’s own biases, that deliberate introspection will make things better, but there are dangers to this too. As we are all being forced to confront our own prejudices it is apparent that not all reactions will encourage growth. I have seen this manifest itself as defensiveness, where an inability to accept weakness and flaws in oneself leads to simply distancing from the problems in the society that we all have a responsibility for shaping. There are those that will try to be satiated by the progress they think they have made, even though the duress continues. I have seen it hide itself behind disgusting attempts at humor, where racist, foul jokes are made to avoid addressing personal discomfort. It takes courage and strength to be able to address these problems in ourselves and especially in others, and it would be a lie for me to say I am confident that I possess such fortitude, but I now understand that I must try.
My entire teaching career has its roots in promoting equity, from the program at UC San Diego’s Department of Education to my formative year at The Preuss School. It was there I learned of the power of education as a tool for societal change. As I now find myself in a more privileged place, I have to accept that I have become complacent in a situation where complacency is accepting a broken system. I take no pride in this, but I hope to use this shame as a way to drive myself back to what I learned as a new teacher. When I was leaving Preuss, the Vice Principal told me something I should have carried more closely. He warned me that I would encounter those that do not believe minority students are capable of learning, that they do not deserve an education. I brushed it off in a moment of selfish ignorance; sure there would be others that think that, but since I don’t what more could I do? I lied to myself and I believed it. But I now know better than that. If I let racism and inequality exist around me, especially in a place where I have power, I have failed.
In my credentialing program I learned of ways a teacher can spread racism. When it was fresh in my mind, it was something I would actively monitor and address in my practice. Yet now I catch myself only in retrospect, and far too often. There are ways it manifests itself in the curriculum we choose, and the topics we neglect. The way I exclude people and communities in what I decide to cover. It shows up in daily practice, especially in how we manage our classroom. Who I choose to call on, and who I choose to ignore. The discipline events I confront, and those I passively accept. And the one I was warned about – when we allow a student to neglect their full potential because of what they look like. This can show up in so many ways, like simply accepting a student as “low-performing” and being complacent with their academic work. Or it can be even more clear in issues of cultural differences where we can warp behaviors as a sign a student doesn’t deserve to learn.
I went into education to teach Physics because I thought it was beautiful. I still do, and I think there is a joy that comes from learning any new subject. But as I earned my credential I learned that the subject matter comes second. My priority is to make sure my students become productive, positive members of society. That once they leave the school they will make well-informed decisions that better their own lives and the lives of those around them. I lost sight of this and I will not let that happen again.
In order to get a class to do something all instructions need to be straightforward and unambiguous, so let me do my best to articulate all this in the most direct way. Stand up for what is right even though it will be difficult. Do not let hate foster in you or your peers, actively work against it.
Though naive, I sincerely believe that no one can be genuinely happy if those around them are hurting. Work towards becoming genuinely happy.